Rainbows End: Episodes

EPISODE ONE: A Crock of Gold?

 

A drunken NICK leaves a nightclub where his fiancée, NIGHTINGALE, is DJing, only to be lured into a night of S&M passion with TANYA. He awakes next morning tied to his bed and wearing a horse’s bridle, his wallet and Porsche ‘borrowed’ by his dominatrix seducer.

 

Meanwhile, RON comes back to Rainbows End to find his aged landlady, DEIDRE, waiting for him: she wants back rent on the Basement Flat and tries unsuccessfully to hand over a letter. Accompanied by the FOUR FAIRIES, Ron laments the decline of his kingdom and the worthlessness of fairy gold, before taking out his frustration on his defiant wife when she finally returns from her amorous adventures.

 

Unaware of Nick’s dalliance with Tanya, Nightingale wants Nick to ‘meet the parents’. Initially horrified by the idea of a puck marrying a human, Ron is won over once he learns that Nick will soon be rich: apparently, he only has to pull off one big property deal to make his fortune. Besides, Nightingale promises to give Ron £5,000 towards the rent, if he agrees to see Nick.

 

The fairies’ celebrations of Nightingale’s engagement are cut short when they finally learn the contents of Deidre’s letter: developers are seeking to buy Rainbows End in order to build a giant office block on its site. 

 

Realising whom Nightingale’s fiancé must be, Tanya slips out of the Basement Flat, trailed by a suspicious ROBIN. What nobody has yet twigged is that Nick’s company, Mushroom Developments, is behind the plan to develop the site of Rainbows End.

 

EPISODE TWO: Love is the Drug

 

TANYA makes her way to the Docklands headquarters of Mushroom Developments, pursued by a disguised ROBIN. Inside, NICK is presenting a flashy corporate video for the Knob, a proposed new Lewisham office block, to a party of bankers.

 

Now aware of Nick’s fling with Tanya, Robin and RAJ agree they must relight Nick’s passion for NIGHTINGALE, whilst reconciling RON with his wayward wife. Raj agrees to coach Ron in the ways of love and Robin proposes they kill two birds with one stone. The fairies will prepare two candlelit dinners, one in the public bar and one in the saloon bar of a local hotel—and spike the guests’ food with love potion. 

 

Having overheard Nick arranging a secret twilight meeting, the FOUR FAIRIES are dispatched to kidnap the erring lovers and drag them back, bound and drugged, to their respective romantic dinners.

 

With the spiked soup poised and ready, Raj prompts Ron in serenading Tanya in a number of romantic guises, ranging from sexy soul singer to courtly knight-at-arms. It’s only a pity that Ron’s dinner date is tied to a chair with a bag over her head.

 

Meanwhile, in the other bar, Nightingale catches Robin spiking Nick’s wine. She storms out only to crash into Raj, just at the moment MOTH is removing the hood from the head of… Deidre Greenwood. The Four Fairies have brought the wrong lady to Ron’s candlelit dinner! 

 

Love soup splashes over everyone and Deidre hands over a notice to quit to a thunderstruck Ron.

 

EPISODE THREE: Dark Arts 

 

Thanks to the candlelit dinner, the fairies are mooning about like lovesick teenagers—with some surprising passions being stirred. Most significantly, RAJ is now in love with NIGHTINGALE and the dreadlocked crusty, COBWEB, is head-over-heels with his aged landlady, DEIDRE GREENWOOD.

 

Only TANYA and RON remain untouched by love. Tanya is still determined to persuade Nick to break with Nightingale and Ron has the threat of eviction hanging over him. Meanwhile, Deidre thumbs through estate agents’ brochures and begins clearing her home ready to move out.

 

All the fairies write cloying poems and make love tokens, however Cobweb’s artistic skills come to light, thanks to a picture he paints of Deidre. (Actually, it’s a paint-by-numbers copy of the Rokeby Venus, but Cobweb insists, ‘That’s how I see her.’) 

 

Spurred on by news reports about a Caravaggio found in an attic, Ron is determined to ‘discover’ a masterpiece amongst the junk from Deidre’s house clearance. If Ron can use his necromantic skills to contact the spirits of dead artists and channel their inspiration into the hapless Cobweb, he can arrange for an art expert to uncover a ‘lost’ masterpiece on the fairies’ market stall. Eventually, Ron conjures the spirit of Van Gogh and Cobweb paints a still life of sunflowers in one of Deidre’s old vases. 

 

Whilst the other lovesick fairies are eager to be cured, the subplot involves delivering antivenom to Raj, whose passion for Nightingale poses a threat to public order. For, when the already sexually charismatic Raj falls in love, the pheromones he emits are strong enough to drive all of London into an erotic frenzy. 

 

The two storylines come together in the finale. As ROBIN pursues Raj with a dart-gun filled with antivenom and mobs of sex-crazed mortals sweep through Lewisham, everything is destroyed on the market stall, except Deidre’s old flower vase, which the fairies sell. Later, they hear a news report about someone who’s bought a priceless Ming vase for a fiver from a Lewisham bric-a-brac stall.

 

EPISODE FOUR: The Grass is Always Greener

 

Facing eviction from Rainbows End, the fairies pay a visit on their cousins in rural Ireland. RON reasons that some time away might also help him rebuild his marriage. 

 

Meanwhile, NIGHTINGALE wishes to introduce NICK to her uncle, who lives in Jamaica, and so the couple enjoy a luxurious getaway in the sunny Caribbean.

 

Ron’s Irish cousins, the GROGOCHS, live in a long-barrow-cum-hovel where there’s no heating, no hot water and a leak in the roof. Every day it pelts with rain, and social life consists of folk dancing and getting slaughtered on poitin. Naturally, TANYA hates it.

 

The main plot deals with the feud between the impoverished Grogochs and the aristocratic BANSHEES. The latter live in gloomy gothic splendour on the Giant’s Causeway and believe themselves rightful lords, as they are descended from the legendary FINBAR. Meanwhile, the Grogochs trace their line back to one of Finbar’s liaisons with a human lover and hold they have the stronger claim.

 

However, Ron is surprised to discover that the Oscar-Wilde-like Finbar is not actually dead: he’s just run off to Jamaica with his gay butler, NOËL. If only Finbar could be persuaded to return, the feud between the Grogochs and the Banshees would finally end. How fortunate, then, that Nightingale’s uncle, Caliban, is a much-feared yardie gangster. 

 

In Ireland, the fairies also meet WILLIE, a wild-eyed poet, obsessed by magic and folklore. Willie has proposed marriage to MAUD, the local sub-postmistress, 307 times—despite the fact Maud is clearly a butch-dyke feminist. The subplot involves persuading Willy to stop pestering Maud, and to hook up with NIAMH, his pretty, young housekeeper. 

 

When Niamh inevitably falls for the irresistible RAJ, Willie becomes jealous and, as expected, falls passionately in love. True, he doesn’t get the girl, but he does get to write a whole lot more dreary, obsessive poems— this time to Niamh.

 

EPISODE FIVE: If Wishes were Horses

 

RON is clutching at straws, making bogus benefits claims and betting on rank outsiders. All he has in the way of hard cash is NIGHTINGALE’s promise of £5,000 towards back rent, if he agrees to see NICK. 

 

Meanwhile, Nightingale warns Nick her family is ‘a little different’. Nick waves away her scruples as he’s used to multicultural London, however he discovers a bigger problem when he learns Nightingale’s address. Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t reveal he’s behind the plans to buy Rainbows End.

 

Of course, Nick is shocked when he finally enters the Basement Flat and learns his fiancée’s secret, but he joins in with the wild party. Learning that Ron is a racing fan, Nick hands out complimentary tickets to Royal Ascot and, ironically, Ron slips Nick the £5,000 to invest for him. 

 

Nightingale takes Nick on a tour of the Basement Flat and Nick overdoses on hallucinogenic flower dew. He awakes from a nightmare to find TANYA standing over him, stiletto-heeled boot pressed against his throat. They slip out of the party together. In a taxi, Tanya hands Nick five thousand pieces of fairy gold on condition he gives up Nightingale and returns the £5,000 to her feckless husband. Nick begs Tanya to come home with him for another night of rough sex ‘for old time’s sake’.

 

At Ascot, Ron’s £5,000 is returned just before the bank backing the Knob goes bust and the project’s financiers are arrested for fraud and insider trading. A tearful Nightingale appears: she has discovered fairy gold and bondage paraphernalia in Nick’s flat and has guessed the truth. Enraged, Tanya turns Nick into a horse—and rides him in the Gold Cup. Ron puts all £5,000 on Nick to win at one hundred to one—and finally Ron’s horse comes in—with Nick thoroughly enjoying the experience! 

 

The fairies have enough money to buy the Basement Flat.

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