Rainbows End: A Crock of Gold? (Two)

EXT: THE MARKETPLACE—MORNING

 

NIGHTINGALE, mobile pressed against her ear, glances over at RAJ. He’s spotted a BLONDE browsing at a lingerie stall. She giggles, holding up some bikini briefs. 

 

INT: THE BASEMENT FLAT—NIGHT (MAGIC)

 

RON

And he’s probably just the same— too shy to tell her how he feels, tongue-tied whenever he tries to speak.

INT: THE HOTEL PENTHOUSE—MORNING

 

The mobile rings again. The knots tying NICK to the bed are loosening. He gets a hand free, then rushes to his phone. He tries to speak, forgetting the horse’s bit in his mouth. 

 

EXT: THE MARKETPLACE—MORNING

 

Disconsolate, NIGHTINGALE puts down her mobile. RAJ sidles over to the BLONDE and begins buying her more and more lingerie. Nightingale calls Nick yet again.

 

INT: THE HOTEL PENTHOUSE—MORNING

NICK ignores his mobile, hunting for his shoes and socks amongst S&M paraphernalia.

 

EXT: THE MARKETPLACE—MORNING

 

NIGHTINGALE watches fretfully, as RAJ buys the lingerie. 

 

The BLONDE tiptoes to kiss his cheek. He squeezes her waist and she kisses him on the mouth. Raj smiles. She can resist no longer: Raj is slammed against the stall, stunned by the blonde’s passion. Petulant and frustrated, Nightingale calls Nick yet again.

EXT: OUTSIDE THE HOTEL—MORNING

NICK, half-dressed and flustered, rants in to his phone as he tries to hail a cab.

NICK

Taxi! 

(Into the mobile.)

Tanya, pick up the phone! Where’s my sodding car? 

NICK

Taxi! 

(Into the mobile.)

Tanya, pick up the phone! Where’s my sodding car? 

NICK searches his pockets, as the impassive CABBY looks on.

NICK searches his pockets, as the impassive CABBY looks on.

NICK

Fuck! I don’t—uh—I don’t seem to have any money. I don’t suppose you could—? 

(To the mobile.)

Pick up the bloody phone. Tanya, you bitch!

NICK

Fuck! I don’t—uh—I don’t seem to have any money. I don’t suppose you could—? 

(To the mobile.)

Pick up the bloody phone. Tanya, you bitch!

NICK gets out of the taxi, beside himself with rage, as the CABBY drives off.

 

INT/EXT: NICK’S PORSCHE, APPROACHING RAINBOWS END—MORNING

 

TANYA’s mobile rings beside her. She sees Nick’s name on the screen. Coming to her senses, Tanya makes a sudden left, sending a CYCLIST sprawling into the gutter.

 

INT: THE BASEMENT FLAT—NIGHT (MAGIC)


ROBIN is making tea. He sniffs the milk dubiously before handing a mug to RON, who’s gazing dreamily into space.

NICK gets out of the taxi, beside himself with rage, as the CABBY drives off.

 

INT/EXT: NICK’S PORSCHE, APPROACHING RAINBOWS END—MORNING

 

TANYA’s mobile rings beside her. She sees Nick’s name on the screen. Coming to her senses, Tanya makes a sudden left, sending a CYCLIST sprawling into the gutter.

 

INT: THE BASEMENT FLAT—NIGHT (MAGIC)


ROBIN is making tea. He sniffs the milk dubiously before handing a mug to RON, who’s gazing dreamily into space.

RON

Ah, the tenderness and the beauty of love.

(Waking from his reverie.)

Oh tea. First class. 

RON

Ah, the tenderness and the beauty of love.

(Waking from his reverie.)

Oh tea. First class. 

RON takes a mouthful and spits out the tea in disgust.

RON takes a mouthful and spits out the tea in disgust.

ROBIN

Hmm. Thought it looked a bit dodgy.

 

RON

Are you trying to poison me?

(Shouting out.)

Where’s my wife? Where’s Titania? Mustardseed, go summon the queen. 

 

MUSTARDSEED

She’s out.

 

RON

I know she’s out. I can see she’s out. The question is when she’s ever in. I reckon I see more of Father Christmas than I see of my wife.

 

COBWEB

Oh no, Father Christmas comes but once a year! That’s what makes it so special.

 

RON

Doesn’t come at all. Work’s all outsourced. Been privatised for years. Poor beggar works part-time in a call centre now. 

 

COBWEB

But what about our presents?

 

RON

That was me. 

 

COBWEB

You?

 

RON

And the Tooth Fairy too, so don’t even ask. 

 

COBWEB

And I spent all that time writing those letters!

 

RON

Nah, that chap’s really let himself go. Clinically obese and bingeing on sweet sherry and mince pies. Last I saw, he’d pimped up his mobility scooter with sleigh bells and reindeer horns. It was pitiful. Now away! Cobweb, go to the marketplace and tell Nightingale to come back to Rainbows End double-sharpish. Mustardseed, inform Titania it is our royal pleasure she return to the court of great Oberon, flying on the dove-white wings of dreams over the rainbow’s arch even unto the enchanted realm of Fairyland.

 

MUSTARDSEED

You want me to go and tell her all that?

 

RON

(Produces mobile from pocket)

Nah. Forget it. I’ll call her on this. 

ROBIN

Hmm. Thought it looked a bit dodgy.

 

RON

Are you trying to poison me?

(Shouting out.)

Where’s my wife? Where’s Titania? Mustardseed, go summon the queen. 

 

MUSTARDSEED

She’s out.

 

RON

I know she’s out. I can see she’s out. The question is when she’s ever in. I reckon I see more of Father Christmas than I see of my wife.

 

COBWEB

Oh no, Father Christmas comes but once a year! That’s what makes it so special.

 

RON

Doesn’t come at all. Work’s all outsourced. Been privatised for years. Poor beggar works part-time in a call centre now. 

 

COBWEB

But what about our presents?

 

RON

That was me. 

 

COBWEB

You?

 

RON

And the Tooth Fairy too, so don’t even ask. 

 

COBWEB

And I spent all that time writing those letters!

 

RON

Nah, that chap’s really let himself go. Clinically obese and bingeing on sweet sherry and mince pies. Last I saw, he’d pimped up his mobility scooter with sleigh bells and reindeer horns. It was pitiful. Now away! Cobweb, go to the marketplace and tell Nightingale to come back to Rainbows End double-sharpish. Mustardseed, inform Titania it is our royal pleasure she return to the court of great Oberon, flying on the dove-white wings of dreams over the rainbow’s arch even unto the enchanted realm of Fairyland.

 

MUSTARDSEED

You want me to go and tell her all that?

 

RON

(Produces mobile from pocket)

Nah. Forget it. I’ll call her on this. 

INT/EXT: NICK’S PORSCHE APPROACHING RAINBOWS END—MORNING

 

TANYA is being honked at on all sides. The mobile rings on the passenger seat beside her. She sees the name of the display and tuts and sighs. More honks as she stalls.

 

The mobile rings again. TANYA crossly tosses it out of the window. She slams on the brakes and gets out of the car, leaving the Porsche stranded in the middle of the road. The mobile rings in the gutter. The name on the cracked display screen is ‘Ron’.

 

EXT: A STREET PERPENDICULAR TO RAINBOWS END— MORNING

 

TANYA catches her stiletto heel in the gutter. The BUILDERS laugh and jeer. 

 

Suddenly, the Builders are a litter of PIGLETS. The FOREMAN quails. He is a GOOSE. An OLD LADY walking a DACHSHUND watches agape. She’s turned into a FOX TERRIER, which the dachshund starts humping. TANYA continues home, bobbing up and down on the uneven heels.

 

INT/EXT: THE PORCH TO 3, RAINBOWS END—MORNING

 

TANYA pushes through the front door, carrying her bondage boots. DEIDRE looms up, waving the letter.

INT/EXT: NICK’S PORSCHE APPROACHING RAINBOWS END—MORNING

 

TANYA is being honked at on all sides. The mobile rings on the passenger seat beside her. She sees the name of the display and tuts and sighs. More honks as she stalls.

 

The mobile rings again. TANYA crossly tosses it out of the window. She slams on the brakes and gets out of the car, leaving the Porsche stranded in the middle of the road. The mobile rings in the gutter. The name on the cracked display screen is ‘Ron’.

 

EXT: A STREET PERPENDICULAR TO RAINBOWS END— MORNING

 

TANYA catches her stiletto heel in the gutter. The BUILDERS laugh and jeer. 

 

Suddenly, the Builders are a litter of PIGLETS. The FOREMAN quails. He is a GOOSE. An OLD LADY walking a DACHSHUND watches agape. She’s turned into a FOX TERRIER, which the dachshund starts humping. TANYA continues home, bobbing up and down on the uneven heels.

 

INT/EXT: THE PORCH TO 3, RAINBOWS END—MORNING

 

TANYA pushes through the front door, carrying her bondage boots. DEIDRE looms up, waving the letter.

DEIDRE

Ah, Mrs O’Brien. I’ve got this—

DEIDRE

Ah, Mrs O’Brien. I’ve got this—

DEIDRE disappears from view, leaving the viewer wondering into what she’s been changed. TANYA pushes on to the basement flat.

INT/EXT: BASEMENT FLAT of 3, RAINBOWS END—NIGHT (MAGIC)

 

TANYA makes her way downstairs. There are now golden hoops in her ears and she wears a sequinned headdress. She has a gypsy’s flowing skirts and a close-fitting bodice.

 

Seeing RON, her face hardens into a brassy, insolent smile. She throws herself down on to the ormolu throne and begins flicking through a women’s magazine.

RON

And where have you been?

 

TANYA

Out.

 

RON

For a whole week?

 

TANYA

Uh-hum.

 

RON

I don’t suppose I might prevail on you to stay in just once in a while? If it’s really not too much trouble… Well, is it? Hmm? 

 

TANYA

So I’m meant to stop at home and be the little woman? Is that it?

 

RON

All I could find to eat in the whole bloody place was a sachet of Angel Delight, a jar of cocktail olives, and something luminous and green and pulsating on the back shelf of the fridge. 

 

MUSTARDSEED

I hope you didn’t touch that: could be mermaid roe.

 

MOTH

Or dragon’s marrow.

 

PEASEBLOSSOM

Goblin vomit, I’ll be bound. And that’s seriously heavy shit to be messing with.

 

RON

Philadelphia cream cheese actually. We got it after she bought me the Jane Fonda Workout.

 

PEASEBLOSSOM

Oh, I remember that. She had him in leg warmers for the best part of a month.

 

MUSTARDSEED

I remember it, too.

(Olivia Newton John dubbed in.)

‘Let’s get physical—physical!’

 

TANYA

You could go to the shops for yourself. This is the twenty-first century. Haven’t you noticed? Things have changed. Moved on. Christ Almighty! You’re so out of touch.

 

RON

I may be out of touch, but I do draw the line at some things.

 

TANYA

Like what?

 

RON

Like having my wife out all hours cruising for rough trade. 

 

TANYA

Oh, for God’s sake. Listen to yourself. I’m a fairy. That’s what fairies do. And it’s a damned sight better than you: hanging around all day watching Channel 4 Racing and smoking yourself into a stupor.

 

RON

My use is purely medicinal—you know that!

 

TANYA

Yeah? Last time I saw you, you were so stoned you’d barricaded the front door and the skylight and you were curled up in one corner in the foetal position, surrounded by Pop-Tart wrappers and hugging the toaster. All you could do for the next 24 hours was wolf down Gypsy Creams and tell anyone who’d listen to you that the bailiffs were coming to repossess your dreams. 

(Noting Ron’s homemade regalia.)

And why are you dressed up in all that rubbish? You look ridiculous. You are ridiculous. I’m not your thing. You don’t own me. I’m a fairy. I am free. I take my pleasure wherever I please.

RON

And where have you been?

 

TANYA

Out.

 

RON

For a whole week?

 

TANYA

Uh-hum.

 

RON

I don’t suppose I might prevail on you to stay in just once in a while? If it’s really not too much trouble… Well, is it? Hmm? 

 

TANYA

So I’m meant to stop at home and be the little woman? Is that it?

 

RON

All I could find to eat in the whole bloody place was a sachet of Angel Delight, a jar of cocktail olives, and something luminous and green and pulsating on the back shelf of the fridge. 

 

MUSTARDSEED

I hope you didn’t touch that: could be mermaid roe.

 

MOTH

Or dragon’s marrow.

 

PEASEBLOSSOM

Goblin vomit, I’ll be bound. And that’s seriously heavy shit to be messing with.

 

RON

Philadelphia cream cheese actually. We got it after she bought me the Jane Fonda Workout.

 

PEASEBLOSSOM

Oh, I remember that. She had him in leg warmers for the best part of a month.

 

MUSTARDSEED

I remember it, too.

(Olivia Newton John dubbed in.)

‘Let’s get physical—physical!’

 

TANYA

You could go to the shops for yourself. This is the twenty-first century. Haven’t you noticed? Things have changed. Moved on. Christ Almighty! You’re so out of touch.

 

RON

I may be out of touch, but I do draw the line at some things.

 

TANYA

Like what?

 

RON

Like having my wife out all hours cruising for rough trade. 

 

TANYA

Oh, for God’s sake. Listen to yourself. I’m a fairy. That’s what fairies do. And it’s a damned sight better than you: hanging around all day watching Channel 4 Racing and smoking yourself into a stupor.

 

RON

My use is purely medicinal—you know that!

 

TANYA

Yeah? Last time I saw you, you were so stoned you’d barricaded the front door and the skylight and you were curled up in one corner in the foetal position, surrounded by Pop-Tart wrappers and hugging the toaster. All you could do for the next 24 hours was wolf down Gypsy Creams and tell anyone who’d listen to you that the bailiffs were coming to repossess your dreams. 

(Noting Ron’s homemade regalia.)

And why are you dressed up in all that rubbish? You look ridiculous. You are ridiculous. I’m not your thing. You don’t own me. I’m a fairy. I am free. I take my pleasure wherever I please.

MOTH looks outraged. The other FAIRIES snigger amongst themselves. TANYA begins to dance, gypsy-style around Ron, taunting him. She hums, as she dances.

MOTH looks outraged. The other FAIRIES snigger amongst themselves. TANYA begins to dance, gypsy-style around Ron, taunting him. She hums, as she dances.

TANYA

(Singing.)

Shal-lee lal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-lee lal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-leel lal-lee lal-lee la.

TANYA

(Singing.)

Shal-lee lal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-lee lal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-leel lal-lee lal-lee la.

The FAIRIES accompany a wild gypsy number, mainly on fiddles and rhythm guitar. The FAIRY DANCERS join in, wearing bright gypsy clothes.

TANYA

Shal-lee lal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-lee lal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-leel lal-lee lal-lee la.

 

Ever since the ancient days of yore,

Fairies have gone out to score

With foolish maids and dreaming knights

Filling hearts with strange delights.

What I do’s no kind of new thing—

Remember when it was you, king?

And if my song’s now in the wrong key

I once made music with a donkey!

 

Shal-lee lal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-lee lal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-leel lal-lee lal-lee

 

I don’t fill each day with shining deeds,

I’m not the lady in the meads,

I’m the subject of a controversy:

I’m the belle dame without mercy.

I gave up feminist bra-burning.

For each night I feel wild yearning

For lusty pleasures of a grand kind

With poor weak members of mankind.

 

Like gypsy girls, I dance and sing:

I’m a queen without a king:

Not a pretty shepherdess—

More a snarling leopardess.

But can’t you see I’m wild and free,

A source of ageless mystery,

So raise your voice and dance with me

Singing Shal-lee lal-lee la.

 

CHORUS

(Singing.)

Shal-lee lal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-lee lal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-leel lal-lee lal-lee la.

 

RON

(Singing.)

You say don’t want to be exclusive,

But as I get more and more reclusive, 

Old fairy ways seem so out of date,

And I no longer like to stay out late.

I don’t want to sound like I’m cross, dear,

But please remember who’s boss here,

And when you go out and have it large—

I’m the one who’s still in charge.

 

TANYA

(Singing.)

Shal-lee lal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-lee lal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-leel lal-lee lal-lee la.

 

Like gypsy girls, I dance and sing:

I’m a queen without a king:

Not a pretty shepherdess—

More a snarling leopardess.

But can’t you see I’m wild and free,

A source of ageless mystery,

So raise your voice and dance with me

Singing Shal-lee lal-lee la.

 

CHORUS

Shal-lee lal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-lee lal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-lee lal-lee laah-la

Shal-leel lal-lee lal-lee la.

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